I open the door, my arms held out wide,
And have the wee woman again at my side.
I'm home! I'm safe! and nothing else matters-
And then with her voice my dream world she shatters.
"Why didn't you write to the kiddies and me?
When you left there were two, but now there are three.
All of our neighbours got photos and tapes
Of Crater, Mombasa, of gollies and apes."
"How much did you fritter on whisky and beer?
You were drunk all the time, cos that's what I hear,
You're 'famous' back here - with your mind like a sewer,
And you're not coming in - you smell like a brewer."
"Well, which of the rumours they're telling is true?
Are you staying in UK for one month or two?
I heard a right good one-I know it'll please yer-
Away in three weeks to go help in Rhodesia."
"I hope your clothes fit you, you look awfy thin.
Mind that old jacket? Well, that's in the bin.
I had a good clean out as soon as you'd gone.
Your stuff is all tidy-God knows for how long."
"Did you hear on the wireless the message we sent
Of our week-end in Cornwall-the money we spent-
With love from your Grannie, our Bob and young Pat,
The budgie, Jack's hamster and Alfy the cat?"
"The roof's started leaking, your room's full of dust,
We've run out of gas, and the Telly's gone bust.
The sitting-room wall has an odd kind of tilt,
I've lost your best trews-and wee Jock's burnt your kilt."
"To-morrow me Mum comes-a seven-day stay.
So you and your rough friends keep right out the way.
And now that you're back, stay way from the pub,
You're in charge of the baby-I'm off to the club."
No! she won't have a chance to attack me like this-
Her lips will be sealed with a passionate kiss!